just a little EE Cummings...

The first time I heard this poem I thought...damn...that's exactly how I feel about the man I love. I printed him out a copy and he said to me, "wow. That pretty much sums it up doesn't it?" I was over at his place the other day and to my surprise I saw the poem tacked up on his bulletin board along with some photos of the two of us. I smiled that he kept it, that it meant something. So...I just wanted to thank EE and share his words. If you ever feel this way about someone...I hope they are fortunate enough to know. :-)



i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

aging...it's a bitch

So...you know when you are getting old and a tad pathetic when you find yourself A) sitting at your computer past Midnight on a Sunday...B) writing a blog about aging...WHILE wearing a wristguard...and C) popping Advil while washing it gingerly down with a nice glass of Chardonay. I mean seriously folks...I spent a whopping 6 hrs yesterday scrubbing, soaking, dusting, vaccuuming, etc. my apartment only to find myself NOT overly joyful at the accomplishment of sitting on my squeeky clean hardwood floors...but...oh yes...with a case of tendonitis. Yes...you know you are getting old when you clean the house and end up wearing a wrist splint with the word "FUTURO" written on it in abnoxious yellow. I mean seriously! "FUTURO?" lol As if saying...this is YOUR life in the future...nothing but braces!! You shall walk down the street and need a walker...you shall stroll to the restroom and blow out your knee...you shall get up from the sofa and pop a hip...ah...FUTURO! Life just sucks people. And now...i'm sitting here in pain...and typing no less which I'm CERTAIN is only helping the aggravation right? ;-) Always good to wash down your pain killers with wine...says so on the bottle. And if I'm really not supposed to do that...shouldn't the lid be a bit more advanced? Then I wouldn't be able to open it...should be difficult to get into if A) you are a small child and B) if you have partaken (is that a word? hmmm) of any libations other than fruit juice. But it isn't...it was easy to pop open. Even for my tendonitis-stricken ass! lol
Ah...aging's a bitch but at least I can enjoy a glass of wine as the moments tick. Maybe I should have another...one just ain't cuttin' it.

Following your heart versus following your brain...

This is something i've been doing a GREAT deal of thinking on as of late. It's the age-old question that we repeatedly ask ourselves...ok, maybe only I ask myself this but hear me out...

Should we follow our heart when our brain is telling us to do the opposite?

It got me thinking about the past and what I would do or not do if I could go back...what would I say to myself at 16, 20, 25, yesterday...knowing what I know today? I think I would say, "Hey...expect the unexpected. Sit back and relax, chill a bit. Don't worry about what everyone around you is doing, saying...ignore them. Do what makes YOU happy, follow your heart...not someone else's. Take risks, expect to fall...a lot...work out and stay out of the sun. Smile more often...accept compliments. Tell people you love that you love them and don't wait for another day. Pick up the phone when you want to and make that call. Be patient with people...that guy in your freshman lit class is going to fall in love with you your sophomore year so don't give up on him even though it might not work out past high school, it could be worth it. And for the love of God...tell your best friend how much he means to you...how he makes you smile when you're observing him unobserved. Tell him the day you first meet him...well...maybe wait a week or so lol...but tell him, because he likes you too."

Wouldn't it be fabulous if we could just go back and fill ourselves in on the little things? Wouldn't it make things so much more simple? Things might not always turn out the way you planned, but you will learn from every twist and turn. And really, that's why you're here: to learn. Right?

So after really thinking about it...when people I know tell me I'm crazy or to do this or do that...even if my brain might agree...SCREW IT. I'm going to try going with the heart...because MY heart knows what's best for ME. Only you knows what's best for you...and if it leads you down the wrong path...you'll learn, pick up the pieces and move forward...just like you always do. But who knows...perhaps following your heart will lead you down the RIGHT path and correct the wrongs made by your brain in the past....

I'm Batman...

So I went with the masses the other night to the happiest place on earth, otherwise known as "The Grove," to see what all the commotion was about regarding "Batman Begins."
Of course we procrastinated, and even after SEEING the gargantuan line that had formed for the earlier showing, we still managed to arrive in the theater about 10 till the movie. Not so much a swell thing!
We climbed up Mount Everest to the VERY last row...which...could be seen as a blessing considering they were the snazzy leather seats once belonging to the "reserved" section...and we sat our asses down. My chair was a bit...no, check that...A LOT squeeky and I couldn't really lean back due to the fear of making a horrendous noise and thus disrupting the entirity of the audience. So I sat. And I sat. And sat some more...through all 2 hrs. and 20 minutes of the movie PLUS the additional 20 minutes of various crap at the beginning.
All in all the film was rather entertaining, although...don't recommend seeing it any later that oh, about 7pm. Your butt gets numb...and if you end up like me...the lengthy trot to the restroom keeps you in your seat holding it for the 240 minutes.
The worst thing about the film was Miss Holmes...and I hear she wasn't signed for the next one...thankfully. But the best thing (well, other than Christian Bale...) that I took from the film was a quote. The first time she says it to him and the second, he to her:

"It's not what's inside, but your actions that define you."

Hmmm...WOW, does THIS apply to my life right now lol. You can be the most amazing person on the inside but how you behave is going to truly define you to others. Think about that and run with it...

breaking and entering...

Well...just thought i'd vent a little on being broken into...and broken. If nothing else, let this be a lesson to everyone reading...lock your stuff up, make back-ups, write stuff down, take pictures, lock your doors and for God's sake...don't let the valet peeps get ahold of your precious keys for any reason!!
I came home one night, was about to take out my stinky garbage when I noticed something in my living room out of place...I thought to myself, self...did you move that earlier when you got a DVD out of the drawer? I thought I might have been losing my marbles and just plain forgot that I was the one who opened the drawer. But then I got that uneasy, someone could be in my house, oh dear lord someone was DEFINITELY in and could still be in, my house. I backed out slowly, cell in hand, and called a neighbor.
Some very very bad men entered my home...and they just HAD to be men cuz if it'd been a chick, they would've stolen my stylish purses and fancy shmancy clothes rather than just rumage through them! Boys. They broke in...stole my laptops...yes, LAPTOPS...my digi camera, my Isight, my DVD's etc...the worst part was that they took all things sparkly, all things close to my heart like family silver with the initials of deceased relatives on it...things that can't possibly be replaced. They broke in. They left me feeling violated, broken.
It's creepy to walk outside and know that someone had been watching my every move, seeing when I left, seeing which lock I locked on which door, noting which lights were left on, left off. I glance both ways now, lock everything that can possibly be locked. I jump when I hear a floorboard creek. I sleep curled in a ball on one side of the bed, the covers on the other side remain un-ruffled come morning. I feel icky. Broken.
So please dear friends...your life is precious...protect it. Write down serial numbers and photograph everything and then go lock it up securly in a box at the bank. Cuz you just never know when someone might come along and steal your life out from under you. It pays to have a part of it still kept for yourself...and to give to the Renter's Insurance folk. Self-preservation...ah...repeat that to yourself. Only good thing about having your life topsy-turvied is that you become stronger, more cynical in a good way and you realize that hey, at LEAST I am here, I didn't walk in on them...I have me and that's irreplaceable.

spending your days alone...

So I got to thinking yesterday about friends...or lack there of...or perhaps if the friends I have are truly "friends" at all. Perhaps they are just people occupying a slot or two in my cell phone. I don't know...
It was Mother's Day yesterday in case you didin't know. Hope you called your mom and thanked her for giving birth to you, giving you life, raising you, putting a roof over your head, annoying you, nagging you, loving you. I did...and I did it extra early so that mummy dear didn't assume I forgot as she so nonchalantly pointed out last week. And when I spoke to her yesterday I apologized for my faux pas...and she said, "It's ok, it was your graduation day." (Got my master's...woo hoo). Then I remembered something...
"Mom, are you on crack?" I asked. "I took you out to brunch at Barney's Greengrass that day for Mother's Day! I didn't forget..."
"But you didn't wish me a Happy Mother's Day."
She IS on crack. Couldn't believe she was pissed over THAT when I know I wished her a happy Mommy's Day AND took her to a nice breakfast on MY graduation day. Sheesh...ungrateful. lol
So in an attempt to do something "fun" on 5/8/05 since I wasn't with my Mommy...thought i'd call up some friends and spend the day with them...celebrating friendship.
I was up at 7am...called three close "friends" around 10am and left multiple messages on home phones and cells to call me back. Nothing. More nothing. Couldn't call some people in fear of interupting Mommy's Day celebrations...so I took myself to lunch...alone. And then I took myself to see "The Interpreter"...alone. By 5pm...still not a return phone call. I ended up stopping by a friend's new apartment where I met with a Mommy and a Sister of one so-called "friend"...very nice, I felt like part of SOMEthing. It was cool to at least see a Mommy on Mommy's Day even IF I was on the peripheral! I offered to help out with the new apt and called a hardware store to inquire about expandable shower rods...and the funny thing was... a random guy picked up the other line while I was on hold and we engaged in a 10 minute conversation about calling our Mommy's. lol He was actually the FRIENDLIEST person I had encountered all day...a man in the plumbing department of Kuntz Hardware. Go figure.
By 9pm I had still yet to get a return call from any of said "friends." And then finally...FINALLY...I got an IM from one of them saying..."Oh, I have decided i'm in a dark place and shut everyone out...didn't feel like talking." THIS...comeing from a person who had just the day before BITCHED that her "friends" never called her back. For the LOVE of...
All we ask in life is that our "friends" communicate with us...friendship and relationships, even with our parents, are two-way streets. Perhaps you may be bummed, perhaps you may be in a 'dark place'...you should still communicate that with your friend. Just text us: ALONE...we'll get it. Or text us: can't talk now...we'll get it. Otherwise, we'll think you have gone off and fallen in a ditch...or worse yet...FORGOT about us.
Happy Mother's Day MOM...and thanks for the pep-talk Mr. Plumber, I consider you a friend.

...and more on the Ultimate Driving Machine...

So...I STILL strongly dislike (which I say because hate is a strong word and i'm not quite up to hate just yet, albeit, close!) BMW's...actually no, I strongly dislike car dealerships but most particularly...the Beverly Hills BMW dealership. Well, AND BMW's in general...most specifically MY little Beamer, my not-so-much-a-ray-of-sunshine BMW.
I went this past Sunday and test drove 5 gazillion (ok, a slight exageration...more like just 5) cars at various dealerships in the Van Nuys area since they all seem to be in neat row there. I even took my good friend Chris as a buffer so that the vipers wouldn't get me as I stepped onto each lot!
First stop: HONDA
Joe Shmo asks me what i'd like to look at and I say, "I'd like to see the NEW Accords...both the 4-door and coupe." So naturally, Joe Shmo shows me a nice, shiny...2003. Um, no. And I say, "Do you have the 2005?" And he says, "Oh, over here..." and promptly shows me...another 2003. I tell him it's not a 2005 and he apologizes saying he's only worked there 2 weeks. Uh...even I...a person who has never worked at Honda...knows the difference btw. the two. Sheesh. So I drive the 2005 Accord Coupe and feel as if the steering wheel is going to steer right on out of my lap! Onto the next dealership in search of a car whose stering wheel matches up with where the car is going in a lane...
Second stop: ACURA
Huge...HUGE improvement! In fact...so much of an improvement that I decided (after my next two stops...that it is to be my new car!) I was introduced to a nice kid named Christopher who showed me the in's and out's of the car...we drove it around the block...the seats fit like a glove cradling my ass and the steering wheel turned in the direction in which I wished my little TSX to go...I was in LOVE!
But of course, I had to drive some other stuff so not to rush to a rash decision. So onto stop number 3: VOLKSWAGON.
Again...new kid on the block showing us the car. And by kid...I mean...KID. He was like, "Dude, so what do you think of it? I'm getting one of these next week....pretty awesome eh?" Yeah, awesome and totally radical...except when you sit down in the new 2005 1/2 Jetta, your ass bounces off the seat like a quearter on the couch. The seats are sooooo firm that you can't help but to dwell on nothing but that while driving the damn thing. Although, I do have to say, it drove quite nicely and had a bit of zip...but man, those seats...
Fourth stop: VOLVO
I can't even TELL you the name of my salesperson...I couldn't understand a word the old guy was saying...some foreign language but not sure which one. He took us out in the S40...which...out of all the cars, was the bes to drive. The seats are designed by some chiropracter--enough said on that. FABU!! and the steering wheel...OH MY GOD! I think I almost creamed my jeans when I touched it (oops...sorry, that was my outloud voice creeping out!)...the steering wheel was covered in the softest, sheerest, feeling like human skin, leather...so cool. I could just sit in the sriveway and play with the steering wheel...but then, what good would the car be?
After that...checked out the FORD Mustang...ahhhh...cute for the buck but not my cup o'tea. So after mulling it over...the Acura shall reign and in 2 weeks and one day I will be the proud owner of a shiny silver TSX with black leather interior (i'll just have to make do with the leather-wrapped-with-little-holes-in-it steering wheel while I pine for the S40...
So back to my initial...I HATE BMW dealerships. I thought to myself, self, you should go have them appraise your car so you know how much you'll get for it. So after spit-shining my UDM, I took it to BH BMW. I parked on the street and waltzed on into the showroom...and was met by NO ONE!! I mean it...couldn't find a SOUL to try and sell me a car. Apparently they sell themselves and they don't feel the need to harass you. So I went back out to the car and pulled around to the service area...but as I pulled in, someone needed to back out. So I backed out...and pissed off two cars behind me. He pulled out, I drove in...and was met by ANOTHER car and it's brake lights. So I backed out again, pissed off two more cars. He pulled out, I drove in...and was promptly folled in by the 2 cars, effectively trapping me in the service dept. Again...no one helped me. Finally a woman ASKED if I needed something (uh, no...I just like to hang out here...duh.) She asked, "did you look inside the showroom for someone?" (Uh, again no...i'm retarded and didn't think of that FIRST! Duh.) So she found me some guy named Joe...they're always named Joe! He asked what i'd like to trade in on and I told him I wasn't doing it today but just wanted to know where I stood with my car. THEN...oh LORDY...he told me..."Honey, why don't you go to Kelly Blue Book dot com and look it up? We don't DO free appraisals." And I said, "So let me get this right...you won't appraise my car unless I BUY one today? Cuz if that's the case, I'll take my business to Century West." He than said, "let me see what I can do." And after 20 minutes...came back with "It's worth bwt. 13 and 16 grand." ASSHOLE went and looked on KBB.com!!! I was like, "well gee, that's a big ballpark and doesn't help me much." He handed me his business card as I got back in my car then said, "give me a call when you're ready to buy a BMW and i'll help you get a good deal." I took the card, shoved it in my door, looked at him and said, "Actually, that's okay...I'm buying an Acura." And then...I drove away, patting my dashboard gently and whispering to my sad 13 to 16K Ultimate Driving Machine,"that's right honey, kick up some exhaust in the bad man's face..."

The-Not-So-Ultimate-Driving-Machine

SO i've decided that my pathetic little first blog shall be a venting escapade all about my (not so) Ultimate Driving Machine.
Let this just be a warning to all persons interested in up-grading to a swanky-ass vehicle! I purchased said Ultimate Driving Machine in 2000...I remember the day fondly. Ah...waltzing into the dealership armed with my oh-so-fantastic-wish-that-I-still-had-it 4Runner and my trusty checkbook out of which I plunked down a check in the amount of 15k (plus another 10k in financing...but who's counting right? It was JUST money!) Soooo...I after forking over the 15k and my oh-so-fantastic-wish-that-I-still-had-it 4Runner, I became the proud new owner of a shiny black UDV. Me and the UDV, the UVD and me...we sped down the 101 through Hollywood with the sunroof open, stereo a blastin' the tunes, my blonde hair blowing straight up in an attempt to touch the sky...ah, such a precious moment. The only moment. The one and only precious moment that I have shared with my UVD...and then...then it all went downhill.
So I had the Ultimate Status Symbol in my position, i'd really moved up the social latter and was feelin' pretty cool when alas, my machine began to fall apart. It was as if I owned that imposter R2D2 from Star Wars...you know the one...looks like R2D2, sounds like R2D2...but juuuuuust a tad off in someway. That was my UVD. Slowly but surely the following happend beginning a few days after purchase:
-window washers sprayed up over the top of the roof (now I know Mercedes has wipers on their lights but somehow I don't think my UVD was trying to wash it's behind!)
-it's little bolsters on the front seats began to crack (apparently my UVD got a bad cow and all asses sliding in and out of said car must be waaaay to big and rubbing agains the bad cow innapropriately...says my UVD repair guy...Gerd.)
-the first window regulator went ker-plooey
-and then another window regulator went ker-plooey
-and another, and another, and another...FIVE broken windows! (kind of hard to buy status symbol clothes if my UVD won't roll it's window down so I can get into the parking garage!)
-my UVD began peeing in public...first coolant and then power steering. It got both fixed and is now embarrased with it's new hoses that occasionally cause incontinance
-the UVD lost it's Ultimate-Tanning-Experience status twice when it's poor sunroof decided to some off track or simply not open at all.
-three different times the brake pads have been replaced, the rotors turned and new sensors put on...my sad, sad UVD apparently goes through brakes stopping to check out other high-end cars. No more sudden stops...no more driving fast in you car says my UVD repair guy...Gerd. (Cuz uh, why on EARTH would I want to do THAT in my swanky-ass UVD that cost me close to 40k and is SUPPOSED to go fast? Hmmm...enigma.)
Here we are now, 4/05...I contacted a consumer lawyer and he had me fax over my 35 pages of repair receipts on my sick UVD so that he could sue the manufacturers for me for not giving me healthy one. BUT...apparently...(says consumer lemon law lawyer...Ted) my UVD has not had nearly enough issues to warrant a lawsuit. Um...EXCUSEZ-MOI? Je ne comprend pas!!! Do my tires have to fall off? Does my steering wheel need to not turn? Does my gas pedal need to not accelerate? Do I need to die in my UVD before I can possibly do something? Good lord...
So i've realized that A) we as consumers have absolutely NO rights these days and not only can lawyers still dick us around (oh sure, we can represent you but not for free inless your tires go rolling down the 405 sas your UVD!) and B) the makers of the Ultimate Driving Machine can ALSO rake you over the coal without so much as a blink of an eye. Oh sure...you may look cool with that sunroof open, cruisin' down Sunset on a hot summer's day...but you are, in actuality, a complete ASS for buying in to the American Dream of having a kick-ass UVD!
Just though you all should know before you rush on out there and plunk down a wad in order to feel like an A-lister...
Oh, and did I mention C)? C) as sorry as I will see my poor little, sick and unhappy UVD go off to car heaven...I've learned that I can be just as thrilled halling ass in my new Honda, Toyota, Acura or whatnot...and i'm going to look and feel JUST as cool. ;-) The car does not a person make...it's the person who doth make the car a gem.