Friday, April 29, 2005

The-Not-So-Ultimate-Driving-Machine

SO i've decided that my pathetic little first blog shall be a venting escapade all about my (not so) Ultimate Driving Machine.
Let this just be a warning to all persons interested in up-grading to a swanky-ass vehicle! I purchased said Ultimate Driving Machine in 2000...I remember the day fondly. Ah...waltzing into the dealership armed with my oh-so-fantastic-wish-that-I-still-had-it 4Runner and my trusty checkbook out of which I plunked down a check in the amount of 15k (plus another 10k in financing...but who's counting right? It was JUST money!) Soooo...I after forking over the 15k and my oh-so-fantastic-wish-that-I-still-had-it 4Runner, I became the proud new owner of a shiny black UDV. Me and the UDV, the UVD and me...we sped down the 101 through Hollywood with the sunroof open, stereo a blastin' the tunes, my blonde hair blowing straight up in an attempt to touch the sky...ah, such a precious moment. The only moment. The one and only precious moment that I have shared with my UVD...and then...then it all went downhill.
So I had the Ultimate Status Symbol in my position, i'd really moved up the social latter and was feelin' pretty cool when alas, my machine began to fall apart. It was as if I owned that imposter R2D2 from Star Wars...you know the one...looks like R2D2, sounds like R2D2...but juuuuuust a tad off in someway. That was my UVD. Slowly but surely the following happend beginning a few days after purchase:
-window washers sprayed up over the top of the roof (now I know Mercedes has wipers on their lights but somehow I don't think my UVD was trying to wash it's behind!)
-it's little bolsters on the front seats began to crack (apparently my UVD got a bad cow and all asses sliding in and out of said car must be waaaay to big and rubbing agains the bad cow innapropriately...says my UVD repair guy...Gerd.)
-the first window regulator went ker-plooey
-and then another window regulator went ker-plooey
-and another, and another, and another...FIVE broken windows! (kind of hard to buy status symbol clothes if my UVD won't roll it's window down so I can get into the parking garage!)
-my UVD began peeing in public...first coolant and then power steering. It got both fixed and is now embarrased with it's new hoses that occasionally cause incontinance
-the UVD lost it's Ultimate-Tanning-Experience status twice when it's poor sunroof decided to some off track or simply not open at all.
-three different times the brake pads have been replaced, the rotors turned and new sensors put on...my sad, sad UVD apparently goes through brakes stopping to check out other high-end cars. No more sudden stops...no more driving fast in you car says my UVD repair guy...Gerd. (Cuz uh, why on EARTH would I want to do THAT in my swanky-ass UVD that cost me close to 40k and is SUPPOSED to go fast? Hmmm...enigma.)
Here we are now, 4/05...I contacted a consumer lawyer and he had me fax over my 35 pages of repair receipts on my sick UVD so that he could sue the manufacturers for me for not giving me healthy one. BUT...apparently...(says consumer lemon law lawyer...Ted) my UVD has not had nearly enough issues to warrant a lawsuit. Um...EXCUSEZ-MOI? Je ne comprend pas!!! Do my tires have to fall off? Does my steering wheel need to not turn? Does my gas pedal need to not accelerate? Do I need to die in my UVD before I can possibly do something? Good lord...
So i've realized that A) we as consumers have absolutely NO rights these days and not only can lawyers still dick us around (oh sure, we can represent you but not for free inless your tires go rolling down the 405 sas your UVD!) and B) the makers of the Ultimate Driving Machine can ALSO rake you over the coal without so much as a blink of an eye. Oh sure...you may look cool with that sunroof open, cruisin' down Sunset on a hot summer's day...but you are, in actuality, a complete ASS for buying in to the American Dream of having a kick-ass UVD!
Just though you all should know before you rush on out there and plunk down a wad in order to feel like an A-lister...
Oh, and did I mention C)? C) as sorry as I will see my poor little, sick and unhappy UVD go off to car heaven...I've learned that I can be just as thrilled halling ass in my new Honda, Toyota, Acura or whatnot...and i'm going to look and feel JUST as cool. ;-) The car does not a person make...it's the person who doth make the car a gem.